Like Sand Through An Hourglass…

I’ve been thinking a lot about age this week. First, the privilege of aging. This podcast reminded me that, while we often take it for granted or even vilify it, aging is a gift. As my mom is known to say when someone complains about the effects of aging, “it sure beats the alternative.”

I also went to the eye doctor a couple of days ago and he told me that I’m really close to needing bifocals (which my teenage daughter finds hilarious). At first, I defaulted into the “poor me, aging sucks, I don’t want to get old” banter. But he calmly, non-judgmentally said to me, “It's natural.” Instantly, I was snapped out of my trance and said, “You know what? You’re right. We’re made to decompose; born to die”. It’s part of the gig and (I believe) it’s not “the bad” that we have to take with the good, but a part of the good.

Then, this link came through my email. I played around with it and learned that I’m older than 53% of Americans and 64% of people worldwide. I’m not really sure when that happened. I’ve always been perceived as young, and seen myself as young. I have a September birthday and so I was always the youngest kid in my grade. Even as an adult, people tend to guess that I’m younger than I am. 

Yet, I’ve crammed (or life has crammed?) a lot of living into those years. And at least in my experience, “life” ages you faster than time. My dad used to joke(?) that it was my sister and I who gave him his gray hairs; it's astonishing to look at presidents before and after their term(s) in office; and the stress of the last two years helping my daughter fight for her life has disrupted my sleep, ushered in my own gray hairs, and protected me with an additional ~40 pounds to help keep me alive (our biological systems are so cute… “stress?! Here’s some extra stored energy in case the world really goes to hell in a handbasket and you’re not able to eat for a while.”)

So I’ve been feeling shall I say, really lived for a while…but seeing the numbers this morning made it hit home in a different way. Okay, 46 years left? How then, shall I live? 

That question is at the center of all of our spiritual work, and is acutely pressing for many people who find their way into my office (physically or virtually):

“I only expect to have another decade at best and my children don’t speak to each other or even to me at times; how do I help us all find reconciliation before I die?” 

“I’m retiring (again) and may only have 20 years or so left. I’m realizing I haven’t ever lived for myself and I don’t really know who I am and it’s terrifying to admit that…and yet I must, lest I die never having known what it meant for me to live.”

“I’m not that old at all yet, but I expected life to look different by now. I’ve earned the degrees and built the family, but can’t find an enlivening vocational fit.”

“I thought I knew where I wanted to go, but I climbed the ladder and got here, and it’s pretty miserable.”

“The thing I’ve used to cope and keep going is now going to destroy me. And probably my family with it. I want to do right by life and my family and myself…but what does that even look like!?”

All the while, time is ticking. We’re in a race to figure out the answers or regret it forever.

…like sand through an hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

So, yes, my initial reaction to these numbers was to think through how I could “fight” them; how to avoid the effects of aging, how to care for my body so that it can last longer, where I should convince my husband we should live for optimal lifespan (I’m thinking Spain is sounding pretty good)...

…And (not but), I know deep in my bones that that’s not the complete answer. Those strategies only address chronos time and forget about kairos*. If chronos is the only player in the game, chronos will always “win”: We will all die. Our years and breaths are numbered. Often, more numbered than seems fair or just. 

…And (not but), all of the major religions and life philosophies have some version of a yardstick for measuring the effects of a life outside of the number of ticks that happen on a clock while our heart beats. Kairos, the Paschal mystery, ancestral legacy/liberation, re-merging with Brahman, experiencing moksha, Nirvana, eternal peace/distress, mutki, health or even immortality via harmony with the natural flow… they all proclaim that there is another dimension (right here, right now, and always!) at play in addition to the calendars and time systems we have created.

And that’s how I regain my center when the clock is ticking too loudly and my ego is shouting at me, luring me into over-investing in the unwinnable game against chronos. Chronos, and the apparent limitations it brings, only appears to defeat us all…and only when we forget that it's not the only player in the game. It’s for sure not the most powerful player. And it certainly doesn't make the rules.  When I can “zoom out” to include the other dimensions involved, I can see that chronos can actually be a beautiful asset to the greater game. 

So that’s where I’m choosing to reside today, and (not but) I’ll start with taking a lap around my office to get my steps in. I invite you to join me.

*Chronos is the ancient Greek word that represents linear, sequential, quantitative time; where we get the word ‘chronological’. Kairos is the ancient Greek word that represents a more qualitative, fullness, purposeful notion of experience/existence. We don’t really have an equivalent word for it in English.